Future News: Friday, June 22nd, 2012
CHICAGO - With the help of presidential pardons, foreign investment, local BLT Christian churches, and the Illinois State House recognition of Sharia Law, the first of many statewide Burka-Marts has finally opened in south Chicago. “This will help our ailing economy,” one state congressman announced today, “and the future for all Illinoisans looks a lot brighter today.”
Legendary rockers Doug Fieger and Berton Averre of The Knack were on hand for a special grand opening performance with an updated version of their smash hit, My Sharona, which was changed to a title we can’t report here at Future News due to the new Illinois state laws.
Those same laws prohibited a small group of protesters from picketing the store’s opening. But later, Burka-Mart company officials released a firm statement dispelling the protesters’ claims that BLT churches have hijacked Christianity the same way MELT (Middle Eastern Liberation Theology) and RIF (radical Islamic fascism) have been accused of doing to Islam. The company also clarified, once and for all, that Liberation Theology in America and abroad IS NOT being used by twisted, fanatical ex-circus barker types to hypnotize thier minions into hate-filled xenophobes, extort power and treasure, invert logic by blaming what they’re doing on others, and create divisions within peaceful societies in order to further their influence and shakedown activities.
A BLT spokesperson added, “We have not just used nice sounding words like Liberation and Theology to disguise nefarious acts,” then handed out a flyer to the crowd inviting everyone to attend their new “Puppy-dog Philosophy” meeting where they’ll be lecturing on the positive aspects rainforest clearing, wildlife extermination, and contaminated drinking water. All media on hand agreed that if an official they support says it, it must be the truth, and that’s good enough for them. Wildlife Beware!
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Posted in Economy, Middle East | Tagged Economy | No Comments »
Future News: Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
AMERICA - The number one T-shirt sold in America for the fifth week in a row is a simple design with a lot of gravitas - the number sold, over 17 million and counting, is uncannily similar to the number of votes Mrs. Clinton received in the Democratic Primary before losing the nomination.
The manufacturer stated that they refuse to let the shirts be made outside the USA even though keeping up with demand is difficult.
And Future News Blog will be happy to send one gratis to Hillary and President Clinton - Chelsea, too. I guess we shouldn’t forget about Joe Lieberman; he deserves one as well.
Posted in Clinton, Election, Voting | Tagged America, Clinton, Politics | 5 Comments »
Future News: Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
DENVER - The 2008 Democratic National Convention got underway last night at the Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado without controversy. Florida and Michigan Delegates were seated, as expected, with each delegate constituting 1/4 of a vote, but each were promised 40 acres and a mule for attending.
With the foregone conclusion of Mr. Obama being the nominee, the event took on a pleasant tone. And no one was happier than the Senator from Missouri, Claire McCaskill - “I couldn’t be more pleased with the outcome of the Democratic Primary,” McCaskill said, “it reminds me of when my children were younger and the joy I got from giving them presents at Christmas, asking them to guess what’s in the box, then telling them what it was just before they opened it.”
But the show stopper was a performance from Rev. Wright and Party Chair Howard Dean. The two men have been diligently working on their “Name and Blame the States” tour, and last night the crowd was thoroughly entertained as Mr. Dean, with precision, rattled off all 50 states, and for good measure throwing in an unexpected nod to Puerto Rico, as Rev. Wright found something wrong with each of them. The dynamic duo received a standing ovation as the the performance climaxed with Rev. Wright beatboxin’ the Grambling State University fight song and Mr. Dean yeehawing in perfect pitch. The inner-city tour is sure to be a success.
Hillary and Bill Clinton were not in attendance and could not be reached for a response although a Hillary campaign staffer relayed that the Clintons are enjoying a much deserved vacation in Dubai, UAE.
Current News:
The magnificent electric T sends another great link: “Random Events” by Thomas Sowell, posted on Real Clear Politics.
Posted in Election, Obama | Tagged DNC, Obama, Politics, Wright | 3 Comments »
NEW YORK - MSNBC/GE/NBC is so happy with their “Green” campaign that they’re filling the airwaves with their new promotion, “Go Mean!” In an attempt to save our environment while polluting the space between our ears, the news channel has solicited the school-girl nastiness of Keith Olbermann and Dan Abrams. The word on the cable news street is that their contract is determined by how many names they call people per minute (with a bonus for ridiculing and humiliating.)
Reaching beyond sophomoric for vile, Keith and Dan, the “uber-intelligent” far left voice of the network, seem eager to redefine Free Speech as only applicable to those who agree with them (the show’s esteem panel all laugh at the pie in the face of a university guest speaker) and peaceful assembly as open to interpretation – of course, KO and DA do enjoy the occasional violent disruption of others’ peaceful assembly (another show’s panel revels in discussing what prompted the virtuous attackers of an Olympic torch runner, placing the weight of Chinese oppression squarely where it belongs, on the back of the runner.) David Gregory, a onetime respected reporter, has been assigned to bring a fresh smile to the loathsomeness fest.
FNB is waiting for the Himalayan Swami to see what the future holds for Keith, Dan, and MSNBC.
Future News:
Add: Swami just saw the future for a new station called MSNBCNAACP and their 24-hour a day program called #@$! U, Whitey. Can you guess who’s hosting it?
Current News:
eT (electric T) surfs the internet with ease & precision and sends us the best links - here’s the latest: an explosive must read on Barack’s New Old Politics - “The illusion that is Barack Obama“ from Fred Siegel, contributing editor of City Journal.
eT’s fast - here’s another from Christopher Hitchens over at Salon: “Are We Getting Two for One?“ Is Michelle Obama responsible for the Jeremiah Wright fiasco?
Posted in Election, Media | Tagged Media, MSNBC | No Comments »
Future News: Monday, July 4th, 2011
Posted in Election, Middle East, Obama | Tagged Iran, Obama | 3 Comments »
Future News: Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010
WASHINGTON DC - Zogby International polling service announced today that they’re getting into the corporate accounting business. “It’s been slow around here for the last year,” CEO John Zogby said, “and I think it’s time to expand.” Mr. Zogby was referring to the scandal of ‘09 when their polling data suggested that 84% of Americans would let Osama Bin Laden baby-sit their children. Even though all reputable media outlets still refuse to carry Zogby’s polls, it should be noted that the company later ammended their number down by 5 percentage points. Zogby continued, “Fortunately, my brother Jim has kept the company afloat by bringing in some like-minded contracts. We’re now the official pollster for Hamas, Socialist International, MoveOn.org, and FLDS.”
Zogby’s decision to expand into the accounting biz may seem strange to many, but the company believes it’s a natural transition — “There’s a lot of companies out there who are not happy with their numbers,” John added, “and we think share holders and corporate execs would rather hear good news about their investment and business models.” When asked to clarify, Jim Zogby jumped in, “Sometimes it’s more important that people believe what we want them to believe instead of the factual data, and sometimes, if they believe it, it actually becomes the fact.” No further clarification was needed, but before this report was published, Jim Zogby emailed Future News and wanted to make sure that we didn’t take anything out of context — I don’t think we have.
Posted in Polling | Tagged Politics, Polling, Zogby | No Comments »
